


I wish I wasn’t—

by Adamarks



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Dysphoria, M/M, dysphoria tw, self harm tw, trans man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25402333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adamarks/pseuds/Adamarks
Summary: A piece on Simon experiencing gender/body dysphoria
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 7
Kudos: 87





	I wish I wasn’t—

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own experiences with dysphoria. Disclaimer: I’m transmasc/genderfluid and not a trans man. 
> 
> Content warning for minor self harm ideation.

I forgot to turn out the light before I got in the shower. 

I think I’m going to puke. My hands are shaking. 

_ Shut your eyes, Simon.  _

I do. A sob slips out. 

It’s bad today. It’s really really  _ really really _ bad today. 

_ Now, reach out around the shower curtain and grab your mobile.  _

I can’t. I can’t move. I’ll feel my tits. I can’t move. Everything is wrong  _ wrong wrong wrong. I’m  _ **_wrong._ **

_ Get your mobile and call Baz.  _

I can’t do it. Fuck, why is he even  _ with  _ me. I’m not— I look like— He’s gay and I— 

I’m— 

_ No, I’m a boy. I’m a boy. Baz likes boys. I’m a boy. I’m a man I’m— _

I lift up my arm horizontally and shuffle forward until I can shove my hand out and grab my phone. 

My boob brushes my arm, and I sob. 

I crack an eye open and try to unlock my phone. My eyes are so blurry from tears I can’t see, and my stomach is churning violently. I want to rip myself apart. Claw my way out of my own skin—

Baz’s contact is at the top of my most recents. 

I call him. 

_ “Simon,”  _ he hisses. He’s trying to be quiet. _ “I’m at the office. What’s wrong?” _

_ I’m bothering him. _ I sob. I wanna rip out my throat. 

“I can’t,” my voice sounds hoarse. (And too high-pitched and—) “I can't get out of the shower.” 

It’s quiet for half a second. The shower drops pelt my back. 

Then there's papers shuffling.  _ “I’ll be right there. Fifteen minutes.”  _

“‘Kay.” I’m shivering.  _ When did that happen? _

_ “Stay on the phone.”  _ I hear a door shut.

“Okay.” I can taste my snot. 

_ “I love you.”  _

_ Why? _

“I love you too.”

  
  
  



End file.
